


Guess who?

by ScotCoyjedii



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Drunken Flirting, Drunkenness, F/M, Female Bilbo, Like a sailor, Public drunkeness, Swearing, Violence, public foxyness, unbetaed, virgins
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-12
Updated: 2015-06-13
Packaged: 2018-04-04 01:23:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4121188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScotCoyjedii/pseuds/ScotCoyjedii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bella works three jobs to make ends meet for her parent's family sending most of it to the Shire for her parents and other siblings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A secret in a deep dark place

"Three jobs in Ered Luin and this is all that remains?" I sighed it was enough to pay my rent but I would be short on food no multiple meals other than the irregularly timed three before work, during my lunch break and after all my jobs were done.

"Ah well shit happens."

I walked down the lane to my home accidentally bumping into a dwarrowdam, I looked up I recognized her immediately. I went pale as my mouth went dry.

 

"I'm ...te...terribly sorry Lady Dis."

 

"Quite alright what is a halfling doing here?"

 

"Please don't call me a halfling I would prefer anything but that."

 

"Dear I have been looking for you. You do realize their are labor laws in place to prevent overwork?"Dis commented her voice was kind her brows came together,her voice was only a few octaves higher than baritone to a trained ear (or to a slightly elvish ear) she was a contralto. The lowest female voice type to a Hobbit yes it was an odd sounding name considering that its Hobbitish and it doesn't have an equivalent in Westron or any other language for that matter. Singing for entertainment is actually more common in the Shire than anywhere else in Middle Earth several Hobbit's make it their profession though not everybody sings for various reasons (if they can or if they are tone deaf).

 

"I don't have the luxury of doing nothing. What I do in my life is my own business."I stated bitterly.

 

"Bold words for a commoner mind your tongue."

 

"I expect you will be taking time off."

 

"I have a family to feed in the shire I have to send most of what I make to them. That's barely enough left over to pay my rent and bills, along with all the other stuff I need for everyday life."

 

"Join the club."

 

I simply bit my lip and left them there heading to my apartment.

Not really caring for what she said at all.

 

I had another meeting to attend in a day or two and I was expected in the bar before lunchtime rush hour. I admit with my father's failing health I ran like a coward because I didn't want to see my father and remember that. It's the Baggins in me we are all cowards on the Baggins side of the family.

 

"Your in just in time too rush hour is just starting."Balin noted.

"Is everything okay?"

 

"I have a job to do my personal life is of no consequence." I stated brushing away my tears brought on by the news that Papa has taken a turn for the worse. Dora said 'She couldn't stand by anymore she's moving to Ered Luin'. 

 

"Dear if you need time off..."

 

"The only way to repay my parents debts is to do this and it's far safer than going looking for troll hordes to pilfer and pillage. Likely they are still occupied."

 

"You don't have to see it that way.arent there banks or something?"

 

"We have loan sharks in Bree if that's what you mean?"

 

"I'm joking."

 

"Ah Thorin, cousin."  
'Well is he not an extremely good looking sleek black fox? Yavanna save me.' I had whispered in my native tongue.

 

I went to my usual spot behind the bar taking orders from around the bar and grill. Apparently run by the manager Balin.

"Bar maid serve our men some good ale!"

'A stroke of genuis that one'I thought.

"Idiot that's no way to talk to a lady."

"That lady is more whore than lady. Like that moron father of yours your three months late in paying the loan."

"You added quadruple interests!"

"Die." He snarled taking out a dagger aiming for her throat. She pulled out a fiery dragon and pulled the trigger. She was completely mortified.

"I quit."

"What?"

"It's just a little mess."

"Now you are crazy a little?!! I'm a bloody hobbit, that isn't a little."

"Belladonna calm down."

 

"I have had it."

 

"Your under contract..."

"Screw your bloody contracts a bloody contract is going to destroy my entire family house!" She ripped the contract in two.

 

She walked out furious. Balin was completely shocked the amount of pain and despair in her eyes was too much. 

He remembered a conversation a few weeks ago about the "Sheriff being unable to anything" and the "city guard doesn't care much if you look even remotely elven your opinion is ignored." 

 

"Do your people care for my people?"

"Get Dwalin!"

 

\-------//--------  
Our debts were forgiven when all of it was said and done. But the haunting last images of my father in his final moments. His hands turned white, his face swelled slightly enough and his eyes turned completely black. Those monsters gave him this they tortured my poor father to death!!! We hobbits are forgiving creatures by nature but this kind of death was a crime punishable by death in the Shire! 

"The Don of the Family Took-Baggins is back!"

 

"This crime cannot stand find my missing family and make an example of them. Bring my brothers and sisters back!"

 

"AYE!"

 

"There will be nowhere left to hide am I bloody fucking clear!?????" I roared my voice was clearly heard throughout Bag End.

 

"I want information I don't care how you get it just get me results!"

 

#####

 

Back at her home in Ered Luin she already paid seven months in advance due to pulling a full strings the Don of the Sweet breeze Mob owed me a favor beings old Took used to be a Don in the same mob in his youth. We were extended family even though my own Mob has been underground claiming to be inactive and disbanded for years.

 

"Hey where've ya been?"

 

"Dis?"

 

"Contract breaking isn't well looked upon in our world of dwarves."

 

"Apparently so is that bastard assaulting my father and leaving him to die! It was already too late when we rescued him."

 

"Those eyes ... they turned pitch black at the end. What he'll wish he never hoped he ever did was make the Godfather very angry. That's putting it mildly only a fool angers the Godfather and a moron makes an enemy of the Mob."

 

"Spunky I likes."

 

"Frerin!"

 

"She's mine!"

 

"I hate to burst yo two idiots bubble but you have a crime wave heading your way." I said flippantly walking away to my home.

 

"One that's going to break stuff and burn stuff maybe you'll catch on that the Godfather is the Don of Don's, the Boss to all bosses and you'll never catch him. The only way you catch him is when he's dead.Those who squeal are dead men."

 

"I have a feeling that this is going to get interesting,eh sister?" Another three joined me, identical quadruplets.

 

"Always Rose."

 

"The younger of the two is nice?"The less seductive of the four said, Bella was definitely the seductress of the four.

 

"No he's fucking hot Rosie." they looked and sounded the same minus their hair styles the one who said that had a bad haircut Mohawk she rocked it though.

 

"Foxglove, Rose, Primrose enough. Those people aren't to be harmed you know that the Godfathers orders..."

 

'Were to mislead them.' Rose smirked telepathically.

 

'After all big sister they don't know your not only the Don but the Godfather." 

 

"Dora coming we have a night out on town tonight picking up handsome dwarven men!" Rose squealed.

 

"Oh Yavanna yes!"

 

"Come on we're headed to Bella's place to get ready!"


	2. Seduction is the first step to revelation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dora, Rose, Foxglove, Primrose and Bella seduce men successfully.  
> And which a problem long ago is explored as Gladius Took and his siblings are remembered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> prepare for some serious mind blowing crap mildly XD  
> I went with a mohawk as homage to one of the professors at my college and my mom who rocks the mohawk on occasion.  
> And to see how the dwarves would react to it. 
> 
> Cause I'm evil (not literally).  
> 

"The Black wolf & Grey fox Bar and grille?" Dora questioned.

 

"Speak not of it,call me Bells here." I told her slyly.

 

"'Kay."She said. As we walked through the door not too surprised that most of the common customers were here and that they were equally surprised to see me.

 

"Ah Bella." Torveer said he was just getting off his shift, he was the cook for the place a damn good one too. 

 

"What?"Balin sputtered, completely confused. It was hilarious to watch him glance at each one of us the only difference being dress color and hair style. Dora Baggins was actually our Aunt but we called her cousin because she was very close to us and she didn't feel like our aunt. 

 

"Four different Bella's?" Torveer asked confused, the pale blonde dwarf was young and has the barest hints of a beard at all. Something he was teased relentlessly for beings he was at least 97 years old and looked like he wouldn't ever really grown a beard or even a mustache. No one really understood why either at least until I explained that it has nothing to do with age my mum once treated a few dwarves who had something wrong with them. Long story short they were made social pariah and cast out because of it disowned and disgraced by their own kin. She chewed of their ears for making fun of Torveer calling them 'bloody cowards' and several other insults that made them feel terrible about what they did, including the fact she insulted their own honor.

 

 

She had a good relationship with Torveer after that he even got married to his beloved wife whom he met when she ventured to Ered Luin for Durin's day. They were already expecting their second child.

'His name is Balin his brother is Dwalin.' I told them in the telepathic bond we did share as quadruplets. 

 

"Hello again Balin."

 

"We are the quadruplet sisters of the Baggins Family."We said in unison.

 

"Hey sis." Rosa said putting her arm around my shoulder and Primrose's.

 

"Lets see how long I can last in a chugging contest?"Rose laughed.

 

"Make it a tankard of Rum or ale preferably the strongest you got."

 

"Ale coming right up." We took a seat in one of the larger twelve person booth's. We attracted a large number of dwarven men.

 

"You were right cousin they are very handsome. ALL of them including the silvery haired Balin, I know a few cousins that would love this view."Dora said mischievously.

 

"Oh you enjoy that?"I said slyly as the newly hired waiter gave us our drinks I went with water, Rose got the ale, Dora herself was a teetotaler (apparently alcoholism runs in the family), Foxglove had a thing for whiskey, and Primrose went straight for the beer. The beer in the Shire didn't have that same carbonation effect as it does in Bree or everywhere else. One could say that the beer is indeed 'flat' beer isn't exactly something we make a lot of either, we prefer our main exports which actually keeps longer than food would on a long trade route journey. That would be Whiskey and our assorted Wine's that we often trade ,to those who don't know, apparently the most trade we get from the secretive dwarrows is mainly because of this and a single Hobbit.

* * *

 

Even after the majority of dwarrows from Erebor were forced from their homeland they still kept of the traditional trade agreement we had with the dwarves of Ered Luin. If the stories are correct that the King-in-Exile Thrór that he loved their whiskey. If legend serves us right it was my own uncle and his siblings Gladius Took, Bells Took, Black-Pearl Took,and Rosabel Took that ventured into Ered Luin on an adventure after their parent's were killed by ruthless orc's (how they got in the Shire we may never know). On the run he found himself in Ered Luin seeing so many dwarves struggling to survive it was himself who dared try and help these people. He wasn't even thirty three yet like the rest of his siblings knew that this couldn't stand. Something had to change!

Gladius went to Thrór himself who was working himself ragged apparently his mind was weak as it was the sickness likely didn't help. Being rendered destitute one day when the day before you were a King must be very hard. From what he knew dwarves despite everything were unable to cope as he did recall in his journals:

 

_Despite what those dwarrow's want people outside to think that they are made of stone this isn't true. They feel just as everyone else some are just better at hiding it due to their ranking politically, politics for those higher up is something that noble's are born into something not found in the Shire. Not since our Wandering Days, while they themselves are hurting and like stone once fractured cannot be mended or repaired in the right way ever again. My heart breaks for the suffering they have been through they were not only cast out from their own home by a bloody dragon but eventually they weren't even given aid by those humans. If only they knew...if only._

 

Some say that Gladius would be the first in a long while to dare speak of what happened to Thrór something that caused more trouble than it was worth but the patience he showed was astounding. In due time they were best friends, everyone was especially surprised when Thrór seemed to get better.

'Keeping all your anguish and pain bottled up is just going to make it worse. My da once said that the only thing holding you back and tormenting you, the wolf you are fighting is yourself and as it barks out terrible truths or lies. You begin to believe those lies in a sick and twisted way the wolf has won but the wolf simply is that, a carnivore taking advantage of you. The wolf is you and you are the wolf you alone can make it stop I cannae do it for you. I can only help I cannot do what only you can decide to.' Gladius once said.

Gladius never became the Thane of the Shire because he never wanted to run for it he instead ensured that the Shire always had good relations with the dwarves.

 

'What happened to your family?' The guardsman Vrog asked when he was helping the King-in-exile Thrór figure out how his long dead dwarven kinsman got to the lower levels of the more wealthy mines.

 

 

'They were killed by orc's that got past the Rangers. They apparently don't have the concept of bathing either.'Gladius said calmly. The two were looking intently at the map before them the mining shafts for the old mines were seemingly blocked automatically. It was Gladuis that suggested that maybe that was the point that moment something keeping the water flow out and away from the mines broke down that it would give the miners enough time to escape before sealing itself. Dwarves were known for their engineering prowess after all its likely that the dwarves of old were of no exception to this rule.

 

 

 

'Something is missing here. In certain places in the Shire we grow cranberries to those living every where else in the Shire they are known as Mossberry. To flood the fields we use windmills yes it tends to damage the vines of the plant but never severely most of the hobbit's around there know how to swim. I would think that their would at least be some account's where to start.'

 

 

'The lower mines haven't been in operation for hundreds of years.'

 

 

'How old are ye then?'Vrog asked.

 

 

'Under a Hobbit's majority in the Shire,Twenty three same with my twin sister Bells. Pearl is twenty one and Rosabel is eighteen.'

 

 

'What is a majority for Hobbit's?'Vrog asked.

 

 

 

 

'Thirty three.'Gladius said.

 

* * *

 

"I know people in the Shire who would love to meet some of these dwarves."

 

"Considering Hobbit women outnumber the men two to one."

 

"That's about three fourths of the population that is female." I stated calmly the entire house came down silent you could've heard a pin drop it was that quiet.

 

 

"Th...th....thr...three fourths?"The dwarf known as Dori sputtered, a few others looked astonished some other dwarves somehow were breaking into a nervous sweat.

 

"Harems solved that."Foxglove stated.

 

"Don't forget the concubines where the married ladies get to sleep with an attractive hobbit inside a harem surrounding him."Rose added. Foxglove taking a sip of her ordered Whiskey.

 

 

"Males are highly sought after resources which is why we have so many siblings all of them our mother actually had Belladonna Baggins I the favorite daughter of Old Took. Just one of Twelve. It was hoped that our father would have many sons he only had three, the rest all girls. Our younger brothers the youngest of the brood." I said.

 

"Good looking yes, but completely stupid nothing but rocks up dere."Foxglove joked.

 

 

"Ah the rest took the lions share of looks and intelligence our brothers got looks." Primrose said slyly.

 

 

"And no brains." Rose said snarky.

 

"You know they will be walked all over like a deer skin rug. Idiots who like being pushed around by women who are younger than them by thirteen years."Primrose said rolling her eyes at Rose. She was being sarcastic. 

 

"Its endearing as his honesty,"Foxglove murmured.

 

"Their jokes are good." I said.

 

"Any who I hear Ruby Greenfoot is running against Otho Brandybuck for Sheriff."

"If you could bet on who would win I would say Ruby would win." Foxglove stated.

 

"You and I both know Ruby is far more competent than Otho is."I said taking a drink.

 

"We shall see."Dora said.

 

"We shall." I laughed.

 

"Milady," Bofur said coming over.

 

"Oh hullo." Dora began flirting with him.

Ruby started to chug her pint of ale much to the dwarves surprise she did finish mostly without fail. As usual.

 

"One of these days..." Primrose teased.

 

"What?"

 

'So what now sister?'Foxglove asked telepathically.

 

'We wait for the right moment to strike our enemies, until that moment we must blend in.' I answered looking at her innocently.

 

Twelve (failed) pickup lines later they got dates minus Dora who seemed to have already found one and myself after all I had much more practice with dwarven men.

'Something tells me they were surprised that Hobbit women out number the men.' Primrose laughed.

 

'Me too. Which is why I said it.'

I had used this one on Thorin when he smiled at me in his poor attempt to flirt with me:Did the sun come up or did you just smile at me?

 

He took it pretty well comparatively when I used that one on the wrong person it was taken the wrong way. That and I used to be a whore at the local brothel that was far easier than normally seducing them as you were simply the sexual out lit. Again most of those in the rooms of the brothel were actually men serving women the dwarrowdam's that needed a little sexual fun times. Though it wouldn't surprise me at all if the men were bisexual considering how few women their are.

 

Can't be picky.

 

In hobbit culture we don't hold grudges, we give gifts at our birthday parties, we court with flowers (the flower language is very important to us), we are simple farmers and we enjoy being a part of harems. I myself was once in a harem with Lotho Briers of over thirty women as a twenty nine year old, he was considered the most eligible bachelor in the Shire. At least until he married Diamond Brandybuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might have been inspired by the anime Fruits Basket.  
> Lord of The Rings Online was my inspiration as well, I own neither. Oh and the telepathy only works for the quadruplet's through their sibling bond and them alone so its a type of half telepathy or something.
> 
> Two re-writes later this is the result.


	3. The Godfather always has her way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dwalin discovered he has been deceived and where the Godfather makes her move. Retrieving her intact brothers at the hands of a dwarf who was more than willing to part with them once she realized that they were stolen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the way only Hobbiton is like a sort of urban modern like AU area. Hobbiton was a dangerous place to be years ago less so nowadays.

Dwalin realized he had been lead astray that halfling had joked about it so heedless of what she said. Wait. She was the one who said three thirds of the Hobbit population was female maybe that means that they are exceptionally protective of their men as we are to our women.

 

"Excuse me ma'am we are looking for Bandobras, Leo and Bilbo." Rose said after a dwarrowdam opened the door.

 

"Oh the boys?"

 

"I'm terribly sorry for the inconvenience ma'am may I come in?"

 

"Of course." She let Rose in.

 

Rose explained to the dwarrowdam Talgi daughter of Toru and Talgo, of the circumstances surrounding the three boys. Who were just barely eighteen and stolen away from their home more specifically from the Shire. 

She understood and willingly gave the boys up who if anything were in perfect health seemingly very happy.

 

"Mistress Talgi, thank you for your kindness."

 

"Your welcome."

 

"Not everyone would have been so kind to my younger brothers."

 

"My family is in your debt." 

 

Meanwhile Thorin was especially surprised to be found in the center of a raid led by Dwalin on her home. 

 

"Woah! Woah!" Thorin shouted really freaked out pulling the covers up to his chest.

 

"What?"

 

"Your games up."

 

"What game?"

 

"Your web of lies are over."

 

"Oh boo who. The idiot thought it was a good idea to attack me." I smirked.

 

"Your the Don." Dwalin snarled pulling the scantly dressed Bella out of her bed. I admit that accusation made me laugh.

 

"That is the best you can do? That is the best he can do ain't it?" I scoffed.

 

"Some halflings got some explaining to do."

 

"I think not."

 

"I won't have any gangs in this city!"

 

"Gangs are so pathetically organised aren't they sister?" Ruby scoffed.

 

"Truth be told our kind of crime far goes beyond that amateurish type."

 

"They thought we were inactive disbanded even, no we were just waiting in the underground society for the right moment to strike."

 

"Only a fool strikes first and while you may think you have won you haven't."

 

"Then what are you to the likes of them?!!!" Dwalin said as she calmly changed into a new pair of trousers and a white blouse.

 

"Hmmmm. Should I amuse him?"

 

"Why not?" Rose laughed.

 

"You have no idea of what your dealing with."

 

"Cansijliero." Rose said.

 

"Underboss." Foxglove sneered.

 

"Caporegime."Primrose stated.

 

"I'm not involved! I heard nothing." 

 

"What's wrong with her?"

 

"Your loan shark dwarrow's thought it wise to kill my father by the time we found him he was dead in two months! Stole away my brothers and lucky they were unharmed."

 

"And kill her parents when we didn't pay her parent's had nothing to with this! you kill one of our men we will defend our kind with brutal efficiency. Threaten to destroy my family I will destroy those who threaten who have shown their resolve. You should be afraid, be very afraid. You've angered the Five Families that's putting it mildly infuriated actually and that means that every dwarf who thinks its wise to play loan shark is about to get a taste of real mafia power."

 

"You seem too open..."

 

"Sis, we got these bastards surrounded." someone said from behind them.

 

"The entire Family is here."

 

"Well done and not a moment too soon."

 

"Get in here drop your weapons or I'll shoot you so you bleed out slowly."

 

"Bandobras enough." I told him coldly.

 

"Is everything set?"

 

"The boss said yes."

 

"Then lets begin shall we?"

 

"Gentlemen drop your weapons I will not ask again. Because that armor your wearing now is useless against a Alomere Kunzite 47, armor piecing rounds and can be capable of producing semiautomatic fire. Do you really think you can survive a lethal shot from that close?" I sneered. They dropped their weapons.

 

"Damn you."Dwalin ground his teeth. 

 

"Step into my office shall we?"

 

"Fine." He growled.

 

"The loan sharking stops now."

 

"Because why you stupid bitch?"

 

"Don't you dare call me that again."

 

"Hey isn't he the guy that kidnapped us?" Bilbo said he recognized the dwarf immedaitely.

 

"You are pretty stupid aren't you? Apparently you have no sense of self preservation or brains once so ever but hey, taking orders from someone above you is easy. You don't have to think that way just follow orders but now your going to learn what happens when you torture and kill one of our own."

 

"What are you!??!!!"

 

"YOUR WORST FUCKING NIGHTMARE BASTARD!"

 

I told my brothers to leave the room, lock the door and bar it behind them, in Hobbitish. Getting my favorite gun the same gun I used on the loan shark in the Bar I used to work at.

 

"My rank is what most people fear you crossed the Godfather, the Capo dei capi."I said loading the clip with nine new bullets from the front sliding middle drawer of the oak desk in the room taking a seat in the chair. All for my Fiery Dragon a silver colored hand canon semi-automatic weapon of the finest craftmanship that our kind can offer.

 

"Don of all Don's, boss of all bosses." I stated callously. Loading the magazine into my gun pulling back the muzzle to make a point and out of habit I did it.

 

 

"Let me ask you this one more time: what in your right mind gave you the idea that you could get away with this?'

 

 

"You deserved to die! You elven bastards!"

 

 

"We are Hobbit's we aren't closely related to elves besides everyone knows a Elves ears can't move." I scoffed.

 

"No one deserves to die the way that you keep killing us push comes to shove we will fight back. By eliminating the criminal enterprise that intends to destroy us, it is very true that one doesn't simply walk out of this kind of criminal life so easy without a scratch."

 

"You aren't going to be anything but an example to your fellows to not think is to be on the stroke of death. Rare is it that us Hobbit's hold terrible grudges, some would argue that when we do it is worse than any dwarves grudges."

 

I shot him in the head. 

 

"That was it? All an act? Everything you said was a lie!"

 

"No not everything we protect our hobbit men with out lives and if you dare harm anyone with insincere intentions you will face my wrath."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cansijliero is a amalgamation of the Spanish "consejero" and the Italian word Consiliere. The word means couselor my own creation to at least make it seem Hobbitish-like. 
> 
> AK-47 in this story is more like another amalagamation of our universe's AK-47 and the AK-74 (the 74 being smaller). It has the size of the 74 but the look of a 47. The fiery dragon is a Desert Eagle in our world.

**Author's Note:**

> I Own nothing. Yes it was absolutely necessary to write this.
> 
> And yes I am thinking Hobbitish is like a mix of Italian and Spanish except with inverted names gender (ah thats a bit twisted considering names are tricky)


End file.
